Transcribed Sanity Valve

We aim to accurately transcribe the entirety of the Sanity Valve discography.

Content warnings for:

To the small group of people who are Very Scary Scenario, these are culturally important songs. We are aware that in many ways, they are directly harmful to real people, ourselves included. Our primary goal is that we want to ensure that they can be searched for.

Albums

Flyer Than Puffins

1. Yourmummaburana

Your mum, your mum
Your mum, your mum
Your mum, your mum, your mum

Your mum, your mum
Your mum, your mum
Your mum, your mum, your mum

Your mum

2. The Willy Chronicles - Chapter I - Big Willy

One, two, three, four
I'm hung like Michael Hutchence with a tissue in his hand

I've got a big willy
got a big willy
what have I got?
A big willy!

I've got a big willy
got a big willy
what have I got?
A big willy!

I've got a big willy
got a big willy
what have I got?
A big willy!

I've got a big willy
got a big willy
yeah

I've got a big willy and my willy is large
It looks like the follicles that belong to Marge
Simpson, but not blue, or got a <???>
even without the foreskin it's still bigger than you

this much is true
I pulled down my trousers and out come all of the So Solid Crew
these genitalia will give you a heart failure
you won't just fart in fear, but follow through

My scrotum extends from here to Spain
and the shaft goes to Swaziland and back again
even if it were the case that when I was small
my willy was still the one that felled the Berlin Wall

A democracy? That's hypocrisy!
'cause when my willy's in the vicinity
how on Earth can there be equal opportunities
'cause my willy's bigger than all other willies

This is a wicked sick song that's all about my schlong
and true to form it's coming up to four minutes long
dispute my dong and you're probably wrong
…you're most definitely wrong

King Kong went to Hong Kong and played Ping Pong
and died!
What did they put on his coffin? A list!
This doesn't change the fact that my willy is big

A pain hurricane inside your vajayjay
what did you think was attacking Earth in Independence Day?
Aliens? Al-Qaeda? A bird? A plane? No!
It was my knob

I could take more people simultaneously than Ninja Gaiden
why'd you think they call me the womb raider?
My willy is bigger than porn
let's all do a song about my uterus unicorn!

I've got a big willy
got a big willy
what have I got?
A big willy!

Got a big willy
got a big willy
what have I got?
A big willy!

I've got a big willy
got a big willy
what have I got?
A big willy!

Got a big willy
got a big willy

It takes four years to complete a masturbation
and my willy is the answer to the middle eastern situation
it even made God go and take a vacation
'cause it completely trumped him (in terms of creation)

When I talk about creation, I'm talking about jizz
that's exactly how big my willy is
I did the same thing as Lady Godiva
but when I turned around I left no survivors

'cause I had an erection
My willy was the one that rigged the vote
so Obama won the U.S. election
It was the first man in space
when I was circumcised it slapped the mohel in the face

My nicknames include 'penis man' and 'cum boy'
'cause when I walk down the street I require a convoy
I do more indecent exposure than the law allows
that's 'cause my bellend pokes out of the bottom of my trousers

But that's okay 'cause I'm bigger than the law
they've never dealt with a penis like mine before
My penis is possessed by the spirit of Chuck Norris
When I ejaculate, you can hear a heavenly chorus

Me and my penis combined, yeah it's hard to ignore us
If I were a Harry Potter character, I would be Dolores
If it was smaller, it wouldn't matter
'cause then I'd be Gishnchips

I could have gone into porn but I prefer writing rhymes
could have gone into prostitution but I'd end up doing time
What did you think Johnny Cash was inspired by
when he wrote the song of his that was called Walk The Line

Like the Power Rangers it's morphin' time
and I'll release your endorphins fine
You're a Big Mac and I am a Whopper
like Arnold Schwarzenegger, get to the chopper

Got a big willy
got a big willy
what have I got?
A big willy!

Got a big willy
got a big willy
adada- mm-
A big willy!

Got a big willy
got a big willy
what have I got?
A big willy!

Got a big willy
got a big willy
Yes!
What have I got?

My penis is huge
my penis is huge
my penis is huge
my favourite sport is luge

My penis is huge
my penis is huge
my penis is huge
we're flyer than puffins

3. Straight Out Of Competent

Got more moneys and more legs than Heather Mills
Like Werner Herzog we got bear skills
If you don't like me, you can suck my steely wood
'cause we put the G back into really good

I'm blacker than Darth Vader and iller than swine flu
I'm like that chap from Memento, we shouldn't have to remind you
I got bare blades like ice skating equipment
I get more ladies than Harold Shipman

We've got more swagger than a man with rickets
and we've got bare wheels like the Paralympics
We offend more people than my fascist grandma
and we're still more child-friendly than NAMBLA

What's the time, mister wolf?
It's Sanity Valve time, and we're better than you
Got more G than the alphabet, because that's only got one
whereas we've got two

Got more lyrics than James Brown, 'cause he's dead and we're not
Hahahahaha, you're dead and we're not
That means that we're technically better than James Brown
'cause he can't be fly if he's really dead

We're more aggressive than Janet Street-Porter
we make women wetter than when they're breaking water
We're cooler than placentas
That was completely uncalled for

We're sexier than children
Gish! You can't say that!
There's literally no way on God's green Earth that you can put that on an album!
Why am I in a band with you? Okay

We're cooler than-
You know what? I'm not actually gonna let the- the children thing ride, okay? Really!
That's not what I said, haha!
Oh, for God's sake
Here's a chorus

We're really good
we're competent at rapping
you'll like us 'cause we're competent at rapping
We're really good
we're competent at rapping
you'll like us 'cause we're competent, competent

We're really good
we're competent at rapping
you'll like us 'cause we're competent at rapping
We're really good
we're competent at rapping
you'll like us 'cause we're competent, competent

Yeah

Our massives are massive and our knobs are still bigger
go figure, my cock's a lot, and I've got an itchy trigger finger
We've had more sex with your mum than the general public
That's a lot of sex because your mum has a lot of sex

Our tunes are bigger than Obama's ears, we have
more sex than a farmer's rear
We're better than Shakespeare at rapping
Iambic pentameter? More like flyambic pentametizzle

We've spent more time in correctional facilities than Tipp-Ex
You think Bruce Lee's buff? Check out these pecs
We're also better than Bruce Lee, 'cause he's also really dead
A- actually, he was pretty good

Insane in the membrane?
More like Sanity Valve are proficient at their trade
and when we go bananas we go fair trade
and we don't oppress farmers, 'cause we know that's bare gay

Ha ha, farmers are rubbish because they get oppressed
we're in tertiary industries, so we're the best
We've been smeared on more women's chests than a Cleveland Steamer
and Jay-Z's worse than us, he even dreams of semen

We got better rhymes than the psalms in the bible
we're sexier than Susan Boyle, that's undeniable
We're more flawless than Flawless, more diverse than Diversity
when your bird sees me she squirts at me like having bursts of wee

We're trickier than a Rubik's Cube
want a Jackson 5 wig? You can use his pubes
we're just the grooviest dudes at abusing noobs
we're just oozing tunes and we can prove it too

I stroke more puppies than a five-year-old child
I just touched a daffodil and then I smiled
This song might make you think that we're pure evil
but we're not, we're nice people, you knob

We're really good
we're competent at rapping
you'll like us 'cause we're competent at rapping
We're really good
we're competent at rapping
you'll like us 'cause we're competent, competent

We're really good
we're competent at rapping
you'll like us 'cause we're competent at rapping
We're really good
we're competent at rapping
you'll like us 'cause we're competent, competent

Let's say it again, 'cause it's important

We're really good
we're competent at rapping
you'll like us 'cause we're competent at rapping
We're really good
we're competent at rapping
you'll like us 'cause we're competent, competent

We're really good
we're competent at rapping
you'll like us 'cause we're competent at rapping
We're really good
we're competent at rapping
we're really good

4. Shopping, Yeah?

Yeah, Sanity Valve, all up in the shops and stuff
Tell them, Gish and also chips
Fuck Lidl

Even gangsters have bodily needs
it's not greed, we're just not too posh to nosh and feed
some appetites can't be satisfied with a fizzy drinks dispenser
it's sometimes better to head straight to Marks and Spencer

or Morrisons, I'm sorry son, the decision's an economic one
we had to let slip a dip in the taste of our chicken goujons
it's nice to shop budget, 'til you've tried it you can't knock it
worth it for the feeling of shrapnel in your back pocket

In fact, sod it, the sound of automatic doors
you head straight through the fruit and veg bit; we're not herbivores
we just ignore anything without excessive calories
don't get mad at me and warn me about some gastric malady

If I leave here without four pints of milk, it's a catastrophe, a tragedy
read the back of the pack to check for allergies
buy a new shaver, crack out triple-A batteries
and a newspaper, crisps, and a fat pack of cheese

Go to the deli and grab some grilled anchovies
and a spot of brie the spotty employee hands to me
couple of the Lotto slips for Friday, it could be me apparently
according to the giant blue hand that be

Then the dreams stop, continue with the week's shop
I only buy stuff that's kosher, this flipping beef's not
Beef's completely legit, in fact I plan on eating it
before you say some freaky shit, revise the flipping Torah script

You've got whore-arse nips, you've got fat gash lips
Oh, please be quiet, and let's continue with this shopping trip
Ooh, look at that vase, it's bitching, I'm itching
to have daisies on display in the motherflipping kitchen

Listen, Gishnchips, I didn't come to get peripherals
I came to stock my body with vital vitamins and minerals
Gishy knows, I don't wanna get bitches and hos
I know we're only here for some fishsticks and some rolls

Yeah, yeah, we don't stop
Sanity Valve like the weekly shop
Asda or Co-op
Sanity Valve like the weekly shop
Awesome online shopping's not
Sanity Valve like the weekly shop
Yeah
Sanity Valve like the weekly shop
The weekly shop
Checkout

All smiles, running 'round the aisles, shopping with my shopping trolley
throw in some dolly mixtures, and even some flipping lollies
Jewdacris, can we get some Marmite, 'cause it are good?
No, Gishnchips, it are shite

I want some yeast extract! Then just grab some flipping Nik Naks
Oh, I want Hula Hoops! Well then shut up and grab a ten pack
Whoa, calm down man, shall I get you a Tampax?
No

We've got what we need, so let's head to till number eight
behind the girl on rollerskates, yeah man, we've got hella waits
Oh, flip, Jewdacris, I forgot a flipping pack of grapes
Then go grab some then, you semi-developed ingrate

Get back to the till, I'm slightly perspiring
the size of this store, man, it's so damn tiring
back to the till, flying ting, fuzzled all my wiring
cashier, she's hanging there, trying to sing

Doreen, sitting there, senile, a blank stare
she were bare gash for someone who had blue rinse hair
Excuse me, fellas, do either of you chaps have a Nectar card?
Shut up and pack my goods or I'll shoot you in the rectum, hard!

The cashier says the Maestro card's backfiring
Oh, we'll never be out before the pastries are expiring
come on Jewdacris, we've got to do something
I'm desperate to get this foodizzle in my tummy

Look, Gishnchips, I know you get easily bored
but remember when we raided Leigh Library with a double-edged sword?
Hey man, I've got me a game plan, this ain't bad
I just can't be flipped to wait this long, man

I pulled out my Beretta, I stuck it to her face
No, Gishy, don't shoot Doreen in the face
So I shot her in the tits, grabbed the stuff, and legged it
Balls, this is worse than that time in Budgens, isn't it?

Yeah, we don't stop
Sanity Valve like the weekly shop
Asda or Co-op
Sanity Valve like the weekly shop
Doreen's breastless but she's still hot
Sanity Valve like the weekly shop
Yes
Sanity Valve like the weekly shop
Sanity Valve enjoy shopping occasionally (x4)

Oh, bollocks, we forgot the bananas
Well you're just gonna have to use a cucumber instead, then, aren't you?

5. Munnee & Wimminz (ft. Timbellend)

Whoa
Whoa-oh, I got a nipple erection
on my nipples
I got nipples

Never gonna give you up
never gonna let you down that is off the chart mate
never gonna run around
and desert you sexually attractive

Shorty I'm never gonna make you cry
never gonna say goodbye bitches want our willies
never gonna tell a lie
and hurt you fucking word

Yo, yo
I'd quite gladly take you home to meet my mum
Nice one! You got quite a nice bum
I like you so much I changed my status on Facebook to
your left nipple's quite pleasant, the right is rather good too

I remember that time we were playing on Mega Drive
you said you didn't like Street Fighter and I felt dead inside
then you turned to me, grinned, and said you lied
and I laughed lololol omg 'cause it was funny

Deal with the fact that I might be immature
I think I like your hair, but I need longer to decide for sure ooh
You'd be so cute if you were pixelated
I've lost count of the times I've thought of you when I've masturbated Never gonna give, never gonna give

Boobies soft like Lara Croft you make me more than hard enough
like Half-Life you chip layers of my armour off emotionally speaking
but we do have sex sometimes mmm and this is nice
because sex is really nice

It's nice to find a gaming opponent who doesn't fight back
Your nose is oddly shaped, yeah, but then I like that
I'm a nice lad, if you broke your leg I'd bring an ice pack
not for your leg, I'd shove it up your arse crack hahaha just for lols

You're the person of my dreams
your farts smell nice and they're like Krispy Kremes
or potpourri, or peelable cheese
or flowers and trees, or other things that smell nice

You're the type of girl I'd make a mixtape for
if cassettes were still widely available in stores
I'd quite happily go about destroying your one ring you shall not pass
but I'd take a brief shortcut to get straight through to Mordor

I'm quite fond of you, yeah I'm not Barry White
but I can turn fat, black, and dead if you want me to
and with this poor taste reference to the Love Walrus ooh
now's as good a time as any to take it to the chorus

Never gonna give you up
never gonna let you down let you down like a failed erection
never gonna run around
and desert you like an ice cream with legs

Shorty I'm never gonna make you cry mmm like AIDS
never gonna say goodbye like AIDS mmm
never gonna tell a lie
and hurt you like AIDS

Never gonna give you up uhh yeah
never gonna let you down and other sex noises
never gonna run around watch out, women
and desert you because Sanity Valve are here, and we attract women we do

Shorty I'm never gonna make you cry so watch out for- for us, when we attract you
never gonna say goodbye
never gonna tell a lie mmh!
and hurt you it goes like this

Because some folk might potentially find it quite ghastly
what I've done to that popular ditty by Rick Arsetly
In my opinion, you are my baby doll
and I can only express how I feel via a Rickroll

And I don't want to seem too forward and crude
but like Rick, I'd like fourteen million hits in your tube
I think about your earlobes, like, all the time
I'd please you with a socked foot if you'd be mine

Timbellend hitting it with the remix
and he'd be in agreement yeah? nice tits
I'm super and a man like Brandon Routh
I like my testicles and they belong in your mouth Never gonna give, never gonna give

I'm from down south, but you're from heaven
your labia hangs slightly, but I like minge unleavened uhh
I had the sex talk when I was seven
so I'm good at sex at sex

I don't do misogyny like bitch make me a sandwich
but I'm quite hungry and would appreciate a sandwich
if I was gay I would get myself a man, bitch
but I'm not, I like boobies and flanges

You're so attractive, you could sell perfume
or double glazing, 'cause it's sexist to assume
You'd look fantastic stuffed on my mantelpiece
my testicles are huge, you can't handle these

I want you all over my face
that is where I want you: all over my face
if you weren't all over my face
then my face would be without you upon it

For you I'd goatse, stretch my botty hole to its limit
my life would probably be quite different if you weren't in it
for you, I'd even do a turd in a cup ooh what the fuck?
Now the verse has ended

Never gonna give you up
never gonna let you down like a crack addiction
never gonna run around
and desert you

Shorty I'm never gonna make you cry like AIDS
never gonna say goodbye like Belgium when we nuke Belgium
never gonna tell a lie
and hurt you

Never gonna give you up
never gonna let you down Sanity Valve
never gonna run around have- have sex with women
and desert you and kill people

Shorty I'm never gonna make you cry primarily, though, we have sex with women
never gonna say goodbye and kill people
never gonna tell a lie
and hurt you

Yeah, anyone who isn't us is really bad at having sex with women
Sanity Valve are here, so lock up your daughters like Josef Fritzl
Bitches want our willies
Hoah!
Gish, pass the Kleenex

6. Other People Falling Over and How It Makes Us Feel

Look, he fell over
[laughter]
Oh, he fell over as well
[laughter]
Why are you holding my hand?
Uhh, no idea

7. Kidulthood

Aww!
Shit!

Hip hop is at the roots, comes from the core
can't go anywhere without knowing where you've been before
tellin' it when you're developing if anything you can't be sure
but from the disease of ignorance there is a proven cure

It lies in knowing all about plague and war
and poverty and pain and street urchins and whores
people say to us, yeah, you rhyme hardcore
you're childhood's gotta be good, and that's fo' shiz

Then we agree and we say yes
that is true, certainly correct
wanted a Scalextric and this train set stinks
of poo, and bums, and willies and things

I wanted a red Power Ranger, I got the blue one
FIFA's shit, it doesn't count because you won, poo-bum
no, mum, I won't wash my hands
because I wanted Haribo, you got me Tesco's own brand

Harry's mum got him a Dreamcast, why can't I?
Fuck the beach, I hate the beach, I get sand in my eye
I don't want to go, I want to play PC, it doesn't please me
it's not fast enough to run Quake III

I want to get the bus home on my own
I haven't even got a phone with polyphonic ringtones
Harry's allowed to watch eighteen-rated films, you make me sick
you've blocked all the porn on the web, how will I operate my dick?

Monopoly is balls, I don't like any of you
I want to hear the Vengaboys, how dare you put on Kajagoogoo
you tell me violence is nasty so Street Fighter's lame
yet you force Frustration on me, that's a violent game

Grandma leaves lipstick all up on my cheek
I only need to brush my motherfucking teeth once a week
Shut up, I'm not really gay (you're gay)
No, shut up, I'm not really gay

Charlotte wouldn't hold my hand she said that I smell
and that I didn't use enough hair gel
well look at me now, I'm a half-famous rapper
hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Mum, you're a shit cook, I want McDonald's for real
you don't give me a new toy with every meal
I don't want to play sports at school
I want to play PlayStation not basketball

No, mum, I won't tidy my bed, you tidy my bed
and make my dinner, bitch
No, not fish fingers, I don't want fish fingers
they taste like shit and I don't like them

And the batteries on my Game Boy always used to die
at inconvenient times and it made me cry
on the Super Mario level with the aeroplane it bare was lame
then I always lost the game

Oh no, I just lost The Game
no mum, not fish fingers again
my sister is a gay because she has a flange
I don't want G.I. Joe, I just want Action Man

Harry's parents beat him why can't you do that to me
instead of not letting me watch CITV
There was one time when I really needed a poo
and you blocked the door so I did a shit on the floor (haha you shit)

It's not funny, alright?
I was genuinely traumatised
No, it was not me who smeared crayon all in the settee
Of course it was the fucking goldfish

You want some fish fingers?
No, I don't want fish fingers!
D- d- remember, whether bad or not
Always remember where you came from

I want Hungry Hungry Hippos
I want Hungry Hungry Hippos
I want Hungry Hungry Hippos
I want Hungry Hungry Hippos

I want Hungry Hungry Hippos
I want Hungry Hungry Hippos
I want Hungry Hungry Hippos
I want Hungry Hungry Hippos!

I want Hungry Hungry, I want Hungry Hungry
I want Hungry Hungry, I want Hungry Hungry
I want Hungry Hungry, I want Hungry Hungry
I want Hungry Hungry, I want Hungry Hungry

I want Hungry Hungry, I want Hungry Hungry Hippos
<???>
I want Hungry Hungry, I want Hungry Hungry
I want Hungry Hungry, I want Hungry Hungry

I want Hungry Hungry Hippos
Don't touch me there, uncle

Please, can we never ever mention that again

8. Gangstar Wars

All over America you could hear studios panicking
Lucas isn't dead, let's bring Star Wars back again
having to follow the backstory of Anakin
but have him played by a shop window mannequin

but have him begin as this bow haired kid on Tatooine
and so his ascension to an evil twat begins
we'll rake it in, fuck everything up with CGI
Lucas made me cry, he should have the force like a Jedi

People are allowed to make bad films but he could at least have tried
murdering Star Wars was cultural genocide
but Darth Sidious wasn't half as hideous
as envisioned as <???> with syphilis

Liam Neeson was decent enough as Qui-Gon Jin
but Guinness was a better Obi-Wan, so why not him?
I want to witness the Guinness, forget the McGregor
and get the emperor played by Schwarzenegger

Keep your pit droids, keep your <???> pod race
I want Harrison Ford firing oodles of lasers
and Jabba the Hut smelling strongly of Quavers
and what the fuck is a mida-chlorian

Natalie playing Padmi, you could have had me
but you probably wouldn't have died in Episode III
I don't kill babies or commit genocide
and I'm not Darth Vader, so won't you be my bride

But what about comic relief? Haha, thinks
oh wait, it wasn't funny, it was Jar Jar Binks
I wouldn't end that prick with a Jedi mind trick
I would snap his face off 'til he bled to death with my dick

Pull his eyeballs out, snap his goddamn neck
set Threepio on him with his homoerotic subtext
make him wish he'd never been shat into life without being a twat
so he could sell lunch boxes and make his wallet fat

and Jar Jar Binks is really shit

and Jar Jar Binks is really shit

om nom nom nom
Jar Jar Binks is really shit
om nom nom nom
Jar Jar Binks is really shit

We're better than Lucas
when we redo this all the noobs will have bazookas
and in our version, Luke loses
now we're gonna talk you through this
this is Episode Seven: Attack of Gishnchips and Jewdacris

So we're pimpin' in our space crib, all chillin'
but we hear Jabba the Hut is having my sluts
so we break into his pad
shoot him in the kneecaps, or where his kneecaps would be if he wasn't a slug

So we're all blazin' up on the Death Star
feeling really really really genuinely way gangstar
bump into our homeboy Darth Vadar
he's like get yo' ass in the TIE Fightar

and Gish is like but I ain't got the neons done yet
and Vader's like d'you want me to go get Boba Fett
and Gish is like is that a type of cheese
and Vader's like no it's a bounty hunter

So we killed Darth Vader for giving us lip
took over the Death Star and we made it our crib
and we're like well this could have gone wacker
let's go kill Chewbacca 'cause he's a hairy cracker

So we di', actually, no we di'n't
we stole a DeLorian and killed Darth Vader at the beginnin'
so Star Wars became a romantic comedy
with much <???> Harrison lollity

And Darth Vader didn't exist, and the emperor was friendly
and we're all rolling around in a fucked-up Bentley
and Han Solo's all like yo yo yo yo
and everyone laughs 'cause he's a really wack rapper, but we're not

But we're not, we're the best in the universe
we knew it first and we only spits the poonage verse
so we drive by Jabba the Hut and all the ewoks
and you can buy our action figures up in dem shops

and Jar Jar Binks is really shit

and Jar Jar Binks is really shit

In a galaxy far, far away
Sanity Valve are still really really good

Yeah
In space, no-one can hear you being good at rapping
unless you're Sanity Valve

Episode I? More like Episode Not Very Good

Luke, I am your rapper

I don't like you any more, George Lucas

9. Simon (ft. Dildo)

Gishnchips, I just heard the flap
- Vagina?
No, the… flap, the- the letter box
- Oh I see
I think it's the letter
- The letter?
Maybe today will be the day that all of our dreams come true
- Oh, I really hope so Jewdacris
Let's open it
- Let's!
Using a bare blade
- Here, use my bare blade
Let- let's read it, c'mon

We camped outside the O2 arena, it was uncomfortable
We should have got through to the final because we're really cool
The judges refused to acknowledge that we are really good
now we think that they are utter knobs, they're utter knobs

Dear Sanity Value, thanks for applying to X Factor
but you must prepare to have all of your dreams shattered
we don't want you on our show, you're not what we're looking for
your clothes were really fly, but your rapping was really poor (what's this?)

I much preferred M.C. Steve, he'd make a good track
that's why he made it through, despite being pretty wack
now, Jewdacris, you had a number of skills
they were just about enough for you to pay the bills

But Gishnchips, you were just awful
so far off from being slightly ill (bastard)
go away and practise, come back next year
but Jewdacris, you'd be far better off without that other queer

I'd just like to thank you for entering this time 'round
I liked your sound, but your rapping skills weren't really down
I hope this rejection doesn't make your whole lives foul
signing off now, the one and only Simon Cowell

We camped outside the O2 arena, it was uncomfortable
We should have got through to the final because we're really cool
The judges refused to acknowledge that we are really good
now we think that they're utter knobs, they're utter knobs

What? This is really unfair
we're magnificent rappers and we have brilliant hair
Our threads are way dope and people really like them
ladies always want to have sex with what's inside them

I can't believe that they've turned us away
Simon is gay, Cheryl's gay, and Louis Walsh is fucking gay
Oh my days, we're gonna show 'em
when our words hit them they're not even gonna know 'em

We're gonna have to think of something to teach those guys a lesson
everybody got to know the Valve ain't for messin'
everybody else finds our skills impressive
we got to do something to keep them interested

How about we kill a man?
Gishnchips, don't be a berk
How about we kill a girl?
Gishnchips, that might just work
To pull this off though, it's gotta be a girl that he knows
Well isn't it blindingly obvious? We kidnap Cheryl Cole

We camped outside the O2 arena, it was uncomfortable
We should have got through to the final because we're really cool
And judges refused to acknowledge that we are really good
now we think that they are utter knobs, they're utter knobs

Hey, Simon, remember Sanity Value?
well we're back, and we're going to kill you
well we're not, because you've got a lot of bodyguards
we're gonna kill Cheryl Cole instead because she has slightly less bodyguards (no, fuckin' 'ell like)

We're driving to the river, she's in the boot of our car
we're driving pretty fast and we're diving in pretty far
she may have been voted one of the world's sexiest women
but all the doors are locked, so good luck swimmin'

At first, I was scared about killing her in this way
so I cut myself another slice of cheesecake
and now I feel better and I'm ready to do this
'cause we're the true winners, our careers are gonna live through this

Like Biggie and Tupac, we'll be bigger when we're dead
all children will admire us and wear similar threads
we gotta go now, Simon, 'cause we're almost at the bridge now
oh yeah, our last words, your trousers are high and you're a knob

Dear Sanity Valve, apologies for the misprint, can't believe we did it
it was a schoolboy error, that Simon is a big tit
we shouldn't let our receptionist drink in a professional context
but we accidentally kicked you out instead of JLS

who were really shit, but we know you can do this
with enough encouragement, you can be the next Leona Lewis
amongst the hoards of eager beavers sleeping outside the arena
you were world pleasers, the rest smelt like Cleveland Steamers

We cried and we cried over miss Cole's untimely demise
with tears in our eyes, we tried and we tried and we tried to replace her
we traced her, but it was a lost cause
and we were gonna have to resort to bringing back Sharon Osborne

So we cancelled the show, but just so you know
we're so sorry to have kept tossing you to and fro
so here's the good news, if you've heard, in case you haven't
you chaps are in the final of Britain's Got Talent

Fuck, you're dead

10. W.O.R.D.

Word

11. Pick 'n' Remix

(children cheering)

We’re gonna go to Woolworths to get some pick ’n’ mix
Oh no, wait, we’re not, because Woolworths is shit
Sweet as fuck

You'd better believe that we eat pick 'n' mix
You hate Teeth and Lips you’ll have beef with Gishnchips
We buy a whole bagful and shove it in our faces
We can’t get enough of them strawberry laces

Yeah, we’re just big pimps who like pink shrimps
We ditch small packs we want the biggest
We’re big kids all up in the sweet shop you dig this
excitement when we lift the lids

Without sweets we can’t function, like invalids
fill the pack with some blackjacks and liquorice
Flying saucers, giant strawberries, and minty things
I know a bad band, let’s badmouth The Ting Tings

Flumps and Flumps and more Flumps and Flumps
They’re the nicest and the lightest and they don’t cost much
Gish, I believe your current choices aren’t valid
Take out the healthy shit like choc raisins and Fruit Salad

This won’t count towards your five a day
Want an appropriate sweety? Then try a gay
That’s not a sweety, stop trying to deceive me
Say the insult directly if you want to aggrieve me

Oh let’s not bicker at the pick and mix bit
look, don’t besmirch it with your Gishnips
They’re pink shrimps! I’ll punch you in the bitchtits
That banana’s not made from real banana, is it?

No Gish, it’s a confectionery item
So it’s a lump of sugar with lots of chemical shite
aha, you’re a nob gobbler your mum I'm on top of her
Like balls in your mouth? Try a gob stopperer

Why this sudden onslaught of abuse?
I’m sad, I might go home and end myself with a noose,
this torrent of insults has become more than enough,
I want to cry! Gish is a hairy muff

Yay!
Sweeties am fun
Yay!
Sweeties and fun
Yay!
Sweeties are fun
Yay!
For everyone
(x4)

We’re really good at rapping and eating sweets
Jewdacris hurts me with words and feet
Hey, Gishnchips, you whiff slightly of smeg
Does your uterus ovulate Haribo eggs?

Ooh, you’re whiter than white mice
Try this it’s nice, it looks like an orange slice
But by this time I was boiling with rage
I wanted to grab a sweet scoop and start spoiling his face

Hey Gish, have a rhubarb and custard
How dare you? They make me poo hard, you bastard
Ha ha ha, I gave your mum a candy necklace
It’s like a pearl necklace, but not referring to jizz

But just as I was about to rip out his spleen
An enthusiastic young shop attendant intervened
Hey chaps, you seem like chipper guys
You type of either kind who like to try prior to buying

But… please don’t eat our shit

Yay!
Sweeties am fun
Yay!
Sweeties and fun
Yay!
Sweeties are fun
Yay!
For everyone
(x2)

Yay!
Sweeties am fun
Yay!
Sweety…s
Yay!
Sweeties are fun
Yay!
For every- one

Yay!
Sweeties am fun
Yay!
Sweeties and fun
Yay!
Sweeties are fun
Yay!
For everyone

“What?” I said frustratedly

12. All Up In This Joint

Sanity Valve
Oooh
All up in this joint, now
Yeah

Getting ready to go out
A fearful venture
Oh my will we look fly
or merely pretentious?

Of course we'll look buff
to generate attraction
we've got huge knobs and shoot people
and we'll get action

But there's one thing that's starting to bug me
no girl could love me due to the fact that I'm fuck ugly

That- that's not true

That has given me hope, thank you Jewdacris
No probs Gishnchips, now let's be doing this
We get to the club, prices are extortion
Red Bull is ten pounds so we stick to tap water

Most of the girls in here are fat and have daughters
You got herpes last time you were here, well that taught you
No it didn't, I want another STI
I can aquire one, because I'm a sexy guy, just kidding

I'll make like a leprechaun
and wear two condoms to be sure, to be sure
I suddenly realise I don't wanna have sex
I look down at my penis, it's no longer erect

There's a spiky-haired chap who was giving me beef
And an ingrowing toenail that's giving me grief
I don't want to find a girl to do a mess on her chest
I don't want to undress I just want to play chess

I'm emotional, and I know that I miss you
Even when I wank I end up moping after the tissue
Gish, she's grinding on me pretend you're gay too
She says "are you gay", no I just don't like you

I won't grind you I won't even try to
Your friends are nice though, would they like a slice too?
Then I realise I'm saying this in my head
and I've given the wrong impression because I've got an erection

When we're in public dancing establishments
women find us attractive when we're
all up in this joint
We are all up in this joint

When we're in public dancing establishments
women find us attractive when we're
all up in this joint
We are all up in this joint

All up in this joint
A- a- a- all up in this joint (word up)

It's about midnight, things are a bit shite
I just heard Black Eyed Peas for the fifth time
We keep this tight and make sure that it rhymes
But other rappers can't be bothered

If you ask me to dance in a dance track then I won't dance
If you ask a girl to grind on me I've got no chance
If you ask me to drink, I'll stay sober
If you're Akon I'll punch you in the knob

I can dance fly enough to a song about pottery
Lots and lots of [trees? cheese?] and frontal lobotomies
Get a lot of girls, that's not my world
Cos if you talk about ladies I've not got a lot of these

Amidst my rage, I unstuck my feet from the floor
She's got meat in her drawers and she's got [??]
Looks up and smiles but she's got no teeth in her jaw
Her boyfriend looks at me and says "well that's a treat for the whore"

'Cause bitches ain't shit, but men are worse
I'll have sex with a lady at least I'll tell her first
But right now, I just want to converse
and not reimburse the contents you dropped in her beef purse

By half eleven I'm bored, I got in at ten past
I'm just sick and tired of watching aging men dance
Behind underage girls trying to get in their pants
Techno then trance and then techno then trance

It's unlike us for the night bus to be stressful
so we talk in minge terms about how the night was successful
This was an off-day, the first in ages
but deep down, we know we're really good with the ladies

Yeah, who needs a set of squeezy nips
I'm fine with sleasy quips and cheesy chips
Ha ha ha, Gish and chips and chips
That's really funny, but we're failures

When we're in public dancing establishments...

13. The Willy Chronicles - Chapter II - Small Willy

One and two and three and four and
Yes

I've got a small willy
got a small willy
what have I got?
A small willy

I've got a small willy
got a small willy
what have I got?
A small willy

I've got a small willy
got a small willy
what have I got?
A small willy

I've got a small willy
got a small willy
Woo!

My willy's very small but I don't mind it
it still does the job when I can find it
It looks like it's folded back inside itself
I have to look so close I'm nearly blinded

Picture a pea, well that's bigger than me
It's only got one eye but even it can see
that it's really really really tiny
'cause my willy is small, it's a miniature willy

Let me tell you what it's like when my willy is erected
It grows to a size beyond what is expected
Next to me, other men feel dejected
Actually, no, it's still small, I stand corrected

Don't despair, at least it's there
It's even got hair, so girls, be fair
My willy is small, but it doesn't matter
'cause I'm a competent rapper

The size of my willy's overshadowed by my skills
because it's those skills what pays the bills
I'm the size of a lentil but my lyrics are mental
Mock it, I'll be all up in your grills

I've heard it said "you need a big willy to rap"
but whoever said this: shut your trap
I'm quite happy with the small size of my chap
and I can rap well, so there

Now I know that it's just because I'm with Jewdacris
and there are gonna be expectations regarding this
Don't assume that just because I'm with him
that I'm necessarily gonna fill your quim

I may not satisfy with what's packed inside my fly
but I make up for it by looking really fly
It's not really a big problem that my
willy is small

I've got a small willy
got a small willy
what have I got?
A small willy

I've got a small willy
got a small willy
what have I got?
A small willy

I've got a small willy
got a small willy
what have I got?
A small willy

I've got a small willy
got a small willy
Mmm

Why is it a bad thing that my willy is small
'cause surely that means that you can take it all?
I can still give you pleasure in unquestionable measure
with my tiny willy and my tiny balls

I'm not sure why people don't believe in me
My sex skills don't get much credibility
I don't think you should judge my ability
on simply how big my willy be

"It's what's inside that counts," is the oft-said phrase
but that only applies to girls and gays
With real men, it's what's on the outside
and my outside often causes outcry

Hand me a thimble and I can definitely fill it
and girls have been known to say "that's the ticket"
but I have the problem that men don't respect me
All they ever seem to want to do is deck me

They push me in the playground, they mock me in the street
Some ran up behind me, pull my pants down to my feet
They always made sure that everybody saw
what it was that I was being mocked for

One day, I got emailed by a guy I'd never met before
Said I didn't have to feel the hurt any more
I went down to his clinic, that's where he did it
He made my willy big and now I get respect, innit?

My willy's now so big I had to buy some new briefs
Now I also have to buy a bigger size in sheets
Short shorts? Totally out of the question
People in the streets say, "Wow! God really blessed him"

I impress them. My willy now interests them
and you notice in which direction I am dressing
No more is anybody disrespecting me
because my willy is big

I've got a big willy
got a big willy
what have I got?
A big willy!

I've got a big willy
got a big willy
what have I got?
A big willy!

I've got a big willy
got a big willy
what have I got?
A big willy!

I've got a big willy
got a big willy
what have I got?

Yay! I've got a big willy
Yay! I've got a big willy
Yay! I've got a big willy
Finally! I've got a big willy

I've got a big willy
I've got a big willy
I had a small willy
but now I've got a big willy

Yes!

14. I Pwn n00bs

Rapping

Yes
That is what we are doing in this lift which we are in
I'm going up to the- d-
G floor

Street Fighter
are games

Uh, which is every floor for me
'cause any floor I'm on is obviously going to be G

I've pwned more noobs than I've had hot dinners
Problem is that I took a lunch box to school
And I still didn't get no thinner
And I didn't touch the Turkey Twizzlers at all

But that's not the point of what I'm saying
The point is that I'm going to entirely decimate you
Maybe not at rapping
but I'm still a dab hand at Street Fighter II

I'm quite well-spoken trying to unleash a Hadouken
I can do many more button combos than you can
Spend your whole time button mashing and fluking me
and thinking Unreal, I'm thinking Duke Nukem

You chose to be Blanka, I chose to be Ken
This shows that I appreciate real men
Not in a gay way, but in a way that will display
that I'm going to defeat you again

Fumble in your pockets, get some more credit
You need another 50p 'cause you just don't get it
This has already cost you eight pounds
so we just go through round after round

Ooh look, Another K.O.
You got the gayest face in the Gay Face Show
Face it, this will never work out for you
because you're a noob and they're what I pwn

I'm sick like M. Bison, don't even try, son
I'm flyer than Reh Dogg, yo, why must I cry, son?
You stink like a Dyson, and not when you're Ryu
'cause everyone's really really good with Ryu

Like Chun-Li I'm really fast
I'm like [E. Honda?], I got my hand up her ass
Something about street fighter and being really good at that
which is what we are

Now a chorus

I pwn noobs
I pwn noobs
I pwn noobs
I pwn noobs

I pwn noobs (It's just like Chas & Dave)
I pwn noobs (but a lot more hip-hop)
I pwn noobs
I pwn noobs

Would you look at that? Another verse
And now, some more hip-hop words about Street Fighter

It's clear by now we're good at Street Fighter
but putting it in a song to a beat's quite a
challenge to do because our moves do pwn
No-one beats us, so we win at Street Fighter

Hey, Gishnchips, see that clown right there?
We're a Hadouken, he's just down right square
"Sonic Boom"? More like, "you're rubbish"
We're really good at Street Fighter, the ladies love it

Blanka's annoying and also a twat
He's gayer than M. Bison's purple hat
No way, how did you win by mashing buttons?
I was walking backwards, does that count for nothing?

We be stretching vaginas like Dhalsim's legs
We set ninjas on fire like Akuma's head
We've had more sex than Zangief's had beers
We're better than Chun-Li because we're men

Dead or Alive might have digital boobies
but Street Fighter's a hunting ground for killing newbies
Mortal Kombat? More like, "scrotal bum flaps"
Tekken's appealing to total knob-twats

Virtua Fighter is really really really really really
really really really bad

Street Fighter is not as good as Sanity Valve
but what is? Except Sanity Valve
If we were a game, we'd be Street Fighter
We'd smite a noob, we'd eat bison

We can kick E. Honda all the way over yonder
Dhalsim's got long legs, our willies are longer
We like Street Fighter, just so you know
In the film, someone got pwned by Kylie Minogue

Woo!

I pwn noobs
I pwn noobs
I pwn noobs
I pwn noobs

Yay! Violent hoedown!
The ho took a spade to my face so I kicked her in the head
Not really
I'm just referring to the style of Cockney music

Oh, now there's another chorus! This is bloody brilliant
(We're really good at Street Fighter, and don't you forget it)
I can't forget it, it's all saved on my memory card
All- all my records of being really fucking brilliant
(You're never gonna be able to beat us, you piss)

At rapping or Street Fighter
(I don't know what that means)
What, you- y- you don't know what rap-
(You bastards)
Di- what? You should get out of my band, I dislike you as a person
(Hmm, I clearly have a lot of anger issues to sort out)
You have face issues to sort out, you... sponge

(Sanity Valve are basically the best)
Skroyouken!

Quite Good Rocket Launcher Music

1. Load The Cannon

Sanity Valve

2. Back In Biznitch

Five, four, three, two, twelve
Sanity Valve are good

Disclaimer: this mixtape may cause a haemorrhage
a cause to celebrate so please pour a beverage
fixed up, looking sharp, of course the cleverest
you're forgetting the days when we were both irrelevant

Recent developments show these benevolent Gs
reacting to bad press intelligently
the bellend MC were definitely never dodgy
to get multiple MOBOs presented to me

Elephant, please, leave the room, we're having discussions
making records to give old people concussions
I don't understand all this swearing and cussing
but I've got Alzheimer's, so I'll go back to me muffin

But they're wacker than puffins, and you know that we're not
we'll set our pubic wigs on fire just to show that we're hot
we're really good, yeah, and we know it a lot
Mos Prob's so hairy he's out back mowing his nob

When I finished sewing it on, we'll get back to business
we're back, operating on the strictest slickness
our victims say 'what kind of ninja is this?'
my dick is on your bitch's Christmas gift list

Bitches lick their lips anticipating Gish's dick
and flick their beans to the point where they splinter wrists

Isn't this really fucking bignchips
his victims say 'what kind of ninja is this?'
we'll piss in your sink, bitch, just to irk you
don't fuck with us or we'll fucking murk you

Mos Prob gets to show off just bezerk
you underrated us and now here's your just desserts
fool, we'll fucking hurt you in your inner ear
God would save you right now, but he isn't here

My willy [??] isn't here for bitches, I never play right
on the upside, at least their vaginas stay tight
I'm no Shakespeare, but I'm a fucking playwright
equilibrium, conflict, yeah, I'll die of stage fright

Stay right, stand back, this is unplanned attack
no strategy, skills and a bag of raps and a gat
Leave you with minimal kneecaps
now you can't walk, go one, believe that

Three sixty five days spent quite blazed
we're like, 'hey, let's make a really good mixtape'
other rappers' nobs are an Ångström long
compared to ours, 'cause we have ponderous dongs

We used to mention that shit a lot in our songs
we're more confident now, and our nobs are massive
we figured out we'd turn art to shite
somehow we're found two bars behind

Sixteen bars is hard to write
but not for us, 'cause we're fucking tight
we drive around equipment in stolen vans
hunting out bitches to hold our glands

Struggling to pad out the opening track
don't make assumptions; we're dope and it's wack
Mos Prob in the corner, smoking his crack
Gish sitting in a chair, looking totally black

Guess who's back with a brand new rap?
Sanity Valve! We came back!

Empdy produced it faster, we're glourious basterds
this was a bare tune even before it was mastered
people slated our longevity, but we've lasted
any criticism, stinky jism's what we've blasted

Over your mum's chin, suddenly spunking
okay, I didn't last long, but it counts for something
literary beauty, much ado about muff ting
your mum is for shagging and your face is for punching

Empdy proudly presents
Mos Prob and Gish and chips
in Quite Good Rocket Launcher Music

3. Flynapple Express

Yo, Sanity Valve, try this
No, drugs are bad for your health, don't smoke them
I'll have some
Oh shit!
Pass it
What have- what are you- what?
Yeah!
Wait, what, what- what's going on
Shit!
What- what the fuck is going on, guys?
Flynapple Express!
What the- I'm not taking any "Flynapple Express", I'm from the streets, I don't rap like that
Nah, have some, man!
If you wanna be famous, you gotta smoke this shit, like Lil Wayne did
Eh, aight

4. I Love You and We're In a Club

I don't endorse drugs but they'll make me famous

I love you and we're in a club
I love you and we're in a club
Love. Club. Love. Club.
Love. Club. Love. Club. Love. Club. Love. Club.

I love you and we're in a club
I love you and we're in a club
Love. Club. Love. Club.
Love. Club. Love. Club. Love. Club. Love. Club.

I love you and we're in a club.

5. Geminarius (ft. R Patz)

That's Mos Prob, I'm Gishnchips, don't mess with me
'cause we're S.A.N.I.T.Y.V.A.L.V.E.
We're competent at spelling, like a spelling G
You smell what The Rock's cooking, well he's smelling me

We injure sheep, like we're battering rams
Bare skills, just a smattering, man
We're bilingual, though we only speak one language
We're so good at it it counts as two languages

Classically trained Rapmaninoff and Flykovsky
Not rapping in G major but we're majorly G
Like Pearl Harbor, it's plane to sea
Partially Def Jam (can't hear what you're saying to me)

Flynaecologists, vaginal experts
Even men squirt when they come to hear the next verse
Other rappers should worry, like finding red sperm
I face fucked your mum so hard her head burst

Approach us with caution, like a testicle lump
We put the rap into grape, 'cause we're the best of the bunch
We're seedless; no other rappers exceed us
We're hairy and well hung, just like Jesus

Mos Prob kicking it with Gishnchips
Like 2 Girls 1 Cup we just puke on lips
then shit on tits, the ladies love us
Like pencil markings, man, we fuck with no rubbers

Willy so big you're gonna need a bucket
Sanity Valve ain't nothing to fuck with!

Fuck Hiroshima, we're bigger than bombs
we spit sick flows like a river of vom
I'm giving rhythms and witty punchlines
Sometimes I get pissed off and wanna punch Gish like hitting a tom

Snare spectated, with women I'm like a face invader
spend my time dropping lines and slaying haters

…as predicted, the ladies went crazy
They came from all over the world, and some even camped out overnight to get a good spot to meet their hero Robert Pattinson
I get used to hearing the stories, but when you actually hear 'em, people will say
Ah, I've come from Brazil and I've slept out for three nights like WAHEY!
an' like, I dunno, it's completely crazy
The revelation of the evening came from the star himself when he admitted he never really wanted to be an actor
I used to wanna be a rapper

Second part, second half, twenty-one seconds to Mars
like Mickey Rourke or Russell Crowe we're out there wrecking your bars
best in the class, German, maths, French, and the arts
1 Guy 1 Rap, get lyrical glass shards in the arse

We take twelve steps forward, we take twelve steps forward
we can't go back, we're like a homesick abortion
we rhyme twice as nice, therefore we rhyme as a foursome
like me and your mum, who's three men wide, but her boobies are awesome

We're super effective, like a headbutt from Slowpoke
we're dope though, like all of those drugs we don't smoke (stay in school)
like Ian Huntley, 'cause drugs are wack
children, you will very die if you fill your lungs with crack

Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, Sanity Valve
Fuck geese, Sanity Valve are better than geese
Fuck potty training, we keep it wet in the sheets
dropping daddy lyrics all over the pleasantest beats

Sanity Valve have had sex with most of your elderly relatives
and they loved it

Sanity Valve will kill you if it takes all night
and it won't take all night, 'cause we're good at killing
we be illin', drillin' like M.J. but not feeling children
'til my gleaming semen is drippin' down off the ceiling

Several other rappers wanna make like me
'cause I'm sick like I've got a cold and full-blown HIV
so eat and choke on these beats and flows
'cause each of those will proceed to go defeat our foes and breach a throat

We've been here two years and we're still better than veterans
and geese, 'cause Sanity Valve are better than geese
I break and flow, Gishnchips is here, it's time that you know
so grow your minds and listen, let me show you all how it goes

It's Sanity Valve time and you know you can't touch this
we'll be here forever, fuckin' like it or lump it
Something sudden bass is bumping jumping up and fist pumping
one thing leads to one thing other n' fucking everyone's dead

Sanity Valve have had sex with most of your elderly relatives
and they loved it

Oh, shit
Aww, oh shit
Shit
Oh shit
Oh
Aw, sh- a- shit
Hey Gish
Mos Prob
Gishnchips
Mos Prob
Aww, shit
Oh, shit
Hey, Mos Prob
smells
Gishnchips (what)
Awwww, shit
shit

6. Bring Back The Bucket Hat

Windows 95
Sega Mega Drive
Nintendo 64
When Shearer used to score

Back when Ant and Dec had successful rap careers
when Mr. Motivator came on I would clap and cheer
when that was near I wasn't all about gash and beer
I just gamed and Simply Red Holding Back the Years

I had no fears, except the head from Art Attack; he gave me heart attacks
apart from that, the car from Brum gave me diarrhoea
back when England fucked up '96, I was twice as great
scoring fifty-odd goals on FIFA '98

Sega Mega Drive was gay and I'll bite your face
still waiting for my Spectrum to recognise its tapes
I take it out the player, check it twice, replace
to wait ninety days for an 8-bit fighting game

I rock a ProYo at school, demonstrate lots of cool
manoeuvres, come back, and watch Animal Hospital
the pimp of the school disco, why the fuck not
I would talk to girls and raid the fuck out of the tuck shop

Windows 95
Curtains on my head suited me nicely
Bring back the bucket hat
Sega Megadrive
Take me back to Gladiators on a Saturday night please
Bring back the bucket hat
Nintendo 64
A little dose of Vengaboys and some Five Alive please
Bring back the bucket hat
When Shearer used to score
Taking up permanent residence in the nineties
Bring back the bucket hat

Catching Pokémon and [??], stealing the Pogs
back when you got action figures in a cereal box
Shaggy and Babylon Zoo on Top of the Pops
Zoë Ball and Jamie Theakston fucking rocking my socks

The reruns of Friends were just runs back then
watching 5 in my room, see what's on past ten
me and my friends, we were all Banana Men
except the one with no legs, he was SuperTed

Power Ranger blue or red, well I was always Black
Crash Bandicoot to distract from the chore in hand
that's when I thought Radiohead were a boring band
my Tamagotchi's way better, yours is gash

Cheats on Tomb Raider see Lara's pubic triangle
up, down, square, x, circle, x, triangle
back then, back when I couldn't even wank yet
I was eight years old and still slept with a blanket

Curtains on my head suited me nicely…

I hadn't even heard of smoke or booze or coke abuse
the furthest I would go is Hooch or maybe downing loads of Opal Fruits
finding idols was not that hard, I'd attack art in my Fun House
like Neil Buchanan and Pat Sharp

That part [a] back then shit meant the Fresh Prince was not to be messed with
murking Carlton in that dance
I was listening to Travis, Pulp, and Saturday Night
Maverick was the closest thing I came to tackling a rap bar

That far back our were lives weren't bad by looking at Hulk Hogan
wonder why I wasn't that hard
in my back garden with tankards of Sunny D
I was Mr. T, baddies didn't worry me

back then I didn't get with Gishnchips
I was more about Biff and Chip than spitting spits and killing Crips
reminisce a little bit about being little kids
funny how far twenty years does bring you, isn't it?

Curtains on my head suited me nicely…

Concordes in the sky
Steve Irwin was alive
when Blair still had respect
Twin Towers were erect

7. (Touch Your) Fuckflaps

The room is warm, the lighting's low
the mood is horny, we're right to go
let's let it simmer, take it nice and slow
but don't think that I wanna get inside your hole

I don't want to invade your genitalia
I want to poke you insane in the labia
I can read your brain, like Professor Xavier
and then you won't notice my erection failure

So come, ye, come love some Gishnchips
let's do this quick and let me flick your bifflips
I don't want to hear a fart as you queef up my shaft
I want to look your minge in the eye and feel the draft

And I might catch something (like Thomas Sørensen)
and your minge has a moustache (just like Mark Lawrenson)
let's get tasty hasty and not be quarrelsome
it smells like chicken goujons from Morrisons

I don't want to thrash around inside your nosh pit
I want to hang around the edges and touch it a little bit
maybe it's hairy but babies are scary
Can you get pregnant by touching labia? Barely

And I might just catch a venerial
if I'm munching on your muff like I'm eating breakfast cereal
Your vagina quite resembles Brian Blessed
and I'm not going in if it's slightly infected

And I'm wanting some, but not to eat
I want to tickle your twat like I'm tickling feet
I won't eat it just yet 'cause it doesn't taste good
my fingers can linger, I'll poke you like on Facebook

Notification: my finger's on your noonie
it's not going in though, 'cause it's dank and gooey
Let's look at the situation using logic and just that
and agree that it's best I'm not noshing your fuckflaps

I'm quite sexy and I know you love that
know you love that, know you love that
So please won't you let me touch your fuckflaps
touch your fuckflaps, touch your fuckflaps

Ooh, some guys fuck all about boobs and bum crack
boobs and bum crack, boobs and bum crack
Ooh, please let me, please let me touch your fuckflaps
touch your fuckflaps, touch your fuckflaps (flaps)

I know I enjoy being near your crotch when
it doesn't look like the monster from Watchmen
In all the minges I've seen yours hits the top ten
I've only seen six, but at least they're not men

With girls, guys think that all hope is gone
if they don't present anything to have girls chokin' on
some guys like hard thrusting, slow and long
but like Mew, it's minge that I Pokémon

I Pikachu over the duvet
I gently caress you slow, poke you where you lay
I jiggle your puff 'til you Squirtle and yell ow
then Alakazam, you touch my Bellsprout, but don't

Get your hands offa' me wilkins
I wanna touch you where you're moist and silken
your vagina, by the way, and not your eyes
you have nice eyes but I wouldn't touch them

Treat STDs like Pokémon you try to catch them
Uh, you know what they say about black men
one night with me and you'll never go back, then
I'm literally blacker than Michael Jackson

My penis will turn you into a cabbage, do permanent damage
you'll need a baby test and a bandage
get your eyes off my circumcised surprise it denies
that tonight it's going between your thighs

I'll be gentle with your genitals, nice and soft
some guys are like cannibals and bite it off
don't test your gag reflex like a cock
but I'd just poke you on the labia, that's nice enough

Let's take a quick walk <??>
a short meander down your panty path
Let's look at the situation using logic and just that
and agree that it's best I'm not noshing your fuckflaps
Uhh

I'm quite sexy and I know you love that
know you love that, know you love that
Please let me, please let me touch your fuckflaps
touch your fuckflaps, touch your fuckflaps

Some guys fuck all about boobs and bum crack
boobs and bum crack, boobs and bum crack (bum cracks)
Please won't you, please let me touch your fuckflaps
touch your fuckflaps, touch your fuckflaps (flaps, flaps)

I'm quite sexy and I know you love that
know you love that, know you love that
So please let me please let me touch your fuckflaps
touch your fuckflaps, touch your fuckflaps

Some guys fuck all about boobs and bum crack
boobs and bum crack, boobs and bum crack
So please let me, please let me touch your fuckflaps
touch your fuckflaps, touch your fuckflaps

Flaps
Touch my fuckflaps
Ooh, touch it in all daa-dee-dun day
Touch my fuckflaps all day
Touch my fuckflaps
Mmm, touch my fuck, fuck, fuckin' flaps
Touch my fuckflaps
Touch my fuck fuckflaps
Touch my fuckflaps yeah
Oh yeah, come on, touch my fuckflaps yeah
You know I love it
Yeah, you know I love it, oh-

8. Mos Prob, Bitches

Aww yeah
Aww yeah
Aww yeah
Aww yeah
Aww yeah
Aww yeah
Aww yeah
Aww
Aww yeah
Aww yeah
Aww
Aww
Take it like that, hussy
Aww, Aww yeah, aww
Aww
Aww
Say my name, bitch
Aww, Jewdacris

Whodacris?
Jewdacris?
Wh- who- is- not fucking me-dacris
Not me-dacris
I told your bitches several times
I'm now Mos Fucking Prob
Mos Prob, bitches

Aww yeah
Seriously? You're such a knob

9. Massively Injure You

Massively injure you
Massively injure you (I fuckin' hate you)
Massively injure you
You're a nob

You stole my granola
You made my hamster sad
You upset my children
Everything you do is destructive and demeaning

Massively injure you
Massively injure you (I fuckin' hate you)
Massively injure you
You're a nob

You left my fridge door open
You left my pillows the wrong way round
I like my pillows on the right way round
You're a total prick

Massively injure you
Massively injure you (I fuckin' hate you)
Massively injure you
You're a nob

10. I Like It When You Die

My bare hands, I rip their glands from their throats
Make them wish you never wrote wack bars and never spoke
Toothpick prod your epiglottis to make you sick
Abusive shit spat straight over classical music

Pencil? Nah, fuck it, we'll stick with sword
May be mighty, but fighting with an HB, bitches gored
Pen is mightier, the only fountain spouting from his mouth
is the clarity of my counterparts who couldn't count on their foul spits

Guns, Glocks, shotguns and Uzis
I endorse gun crime, and I'll kill you, so sue me
Seal clubber undercover, kill you with your own mother
Used to bludgeon after I fuck her literally with no rubber

I'm a classical god of war, yeah, you know it: Mars
Fuck throwing stars, I'll open your face and blow in SARS
Anthrax. I soak up blood like Tampax
Leave you covered in piss, like an elderly man's slacks

You preposterous wanker, I'll leave you pissing in bags, sir
I'll smoke and tan myself next to you to give you cancer
My last victim was found with a rounders bat in him
Kill you with a whole tree, just like The Happening

I strike with a hundred percent surgical accuracy
Leave you as the middle piece in my human centipede hacked at the knee
Biological warfare; got the flu, I'll breathe on you
Ram your toilet so far up your arse you no longer need to poo

Alert the cardiac unit, there's been a heart attack
From the MC who shat himself and died before I hardly spat
I'll bring the beef and infect it with BSE
Don't worry, I'll be humane when I euthanise you eventually

Strangle you to death with microphone cable
Laugh as your heart fails while I'm banging your wife on the table
You shouldn't bring knives to gunfights, you know that's just true
but you brought your .44 to face a rocket launcher, fuck you

We're definitely violent and we'll hurt you badly
We disagree with all hippies and Gandhi
Punching people is great fun; it makes us feel good
I'll kill your fucking face in and stab off your legs

When something disgruntles you, I get excited
I've lot count of all the bare peeps I fighted
We like it when you die and when you die, we like it
and when you don't die, we don't really like it

So go home, scallywag, you're served for luncheon
I'm sending you to Dignitas with my punching
So go home, scallywag, you're served for luncheon
I'm sending you to Dignitas with my punching
So go home, scallywag, you're served for luncheon
I'm sending you to Dignitas with my punching

11. Poo: A Song (Pooey Bumbrain)

Sometimes people sneeze and it's too cute
I look up sneezing puppies on YouTube
if you happen to run out of things to amuse you
listen to this tune about my war-torn poo chute

Poo-poo: inherently funny since the age of four
not when it looks like the aftermath of the Falklands War
my bowel's fallen foul to a beast infection
leaving my rectum lookin' a bit like Simon Weston, the Falklands burns guy

In my scrotum nearby, you fear why
you hear a herd of my sperm cry
The stenches that worsen with each of my stomach clenches
and even park benches start to smell the World War trenches

I can't explain the pain of each burning fart
except it really, really, really, really hurts my arse
My poo rips me open like I rip mikes
I chew my food, then, ironically, my shit bites

I sit tight, feels like I'm giving birth
women won't understand, but trust me, it flippin' hurts
Can't figure what's worse, if it emerged in ripping bursts
or if it lasts longer, coming in dribbly squirts

This particularly burns, start shitting blood
This particularly burns, I ain't shitting, blood
I get worried by curry and I fear the beer
Never you fear, diarrhea is here

My poo comes out, [was?] a burning hate, a poo
Looks like Arnie at the end of Terminator 2
My tissue looks like a work by Jackson Pollock
this poo was so hot it waxed my bollocks

Song about poo, song about poo
song about, song about, song about poo
Song about poo, song about poo
song about, song about, song about poo

Some poo, song about poo
song about, song about, song about poo
Song about poo, song about poo
song about, song about, song about-

Gishnchips had a shit with a bitter twist
this time it didn't just come with a bit of piss
Mos Prob has bad poos, but the difference is
your gastric system stayed in your body, didn't it?

So foul, Guantanamo Bay rejected it
A sad-looking fucker, like Fritzl neglected it
but even he'd be too scared to molest this
big enough for a load of bees to build a nest in

Zesty, lengthy, it virtually smiled
as it looked up at me from a pile of piles
a horror poo, the size of a small child
but too vile to appeal to any paedophile

I'm sad, like a rapper with no raps
can't believe I've fallen victim to a prolapse
if I had an audience, I would get a slow clap
wasn't expecting my intestines to go flat

Intensive care is my home now, bowels tried to blow out
It was like Eyjafjallajökull, no doubt
That's a volcano, which is pain for your bum
The rest of my body parts? They're all safe for your mum

It's the nuclear apoocalypse, but mine was worse
'cause yours was a waste expulsion, mine was birth
was so fuckin' big it even hides my girth
I just did a poo the size of Earth

Even if it was a messiah, it would go to hell
and would start the ice age if you froze the smell
if you're having bowel problems, I feel bad for you, son
I got ninety-nine organs and I shat out one

Song about poo, song about poo
song about, song about, song about poo
Song about poo, song about poo
song about, song about, song about poo

Some poo, song about poo
song about, song about, song about poo
Song about poo, song about poo
song about, song about, song about- (poo)

I shit my bed, I shit my bed
I shit my bed, I shit my bed now
I shit my bed, I shit my bed
I shit my bed, I shit my bed, yeah

Some poo, song about poo
song about, song about, song about poo
Song about poo, song about poo
song about, song about, song about-

Uhn
Uuuhhhnn
UUUUHHH- AAHG- GAH- UH
AHH, AAAAHHWWWWWWW

Song about poo, song about poo
song about, song about, song about poo
Song about poo, song about poo
song about, song about, song about poo

Some poo, song about poo
song about, song about, song about poo
Song about poo, song about poo
song about, song about, song about- (poo)

I shit my bed, I shit my bed
I shit my bed, I shit my bed now
I shit my bed, I shit my bed
I shit my bed, I shit my bed, yeah

Some poo, song about poo
song about, song about, song about poo
Song about poo, song about poo
song about, song about, song about poo

12. 12: A Space Odyssey

And so Sanity Valve grew tired of their time on Earth
They set off in their humble spaceship, Black Dwarf
on an adventure that would change history forever

We're bored of Earth, so we're going, bye
We're leaving this planet without knowing why
Straight hustle in my space shuttle, know it, fly
Straight through the clouds and the flowing sky

We're fucking cool and Black, just like space
The G force of the craft doesn't touch my face
'cause we're the most G force in the galaxy now
The cosmos getting knobbed on by Sanity Valve

The humans all love us for huge epic rapping
but we're out, space-hunting a new demographic
Popping shots with our Glocks, shooting stars
On the Red Planet spitting bare Mars bars

Our craft has got sixty half-inch rims
Saw L. Ron Hubbard, started asking him
Took a bath with him, smoked half of a spliff
His ideas aren't something you can argue with

Earth is really shit and gay
so we are going into space
Space is really cool and black
We are really cool and Black

With L. Ron correct, we went on our way
'cause bathing with a sci-fi writer's fucking gay
Next stage of our intergalactic holiday
is to hit the moon with Biggie, roll a J

Tupac was in attendance so we chilled with them
Discussed our superior skills with them
Then popped them in the face with a blunderbuss
Who shot Biggie Smalls? Well, that was us

No longer would we sit at the back of the bus
We in space, motherfucker, now fuck with us
My tachyons bring all the girls to the craft
but we landed on Uranus and we had to laugh

Which lost us our bitches, but that don't matter
Hang on, this is space; there is no matter
Meteorite pussies ain't coming near me
We're Sanity Valve, we got G-string theory

Earth is really shit and gay
so we are going into space
Space is really cool and black
We are really cool and Black

Leave the solar system 'cause it's getting bare old
'cause in 2012, the sun will claim their souls
Ventured out further, found ourselves a black hole
Comparatively a honky 'cause we got bare lasers

Earth is shit and gay and won't exist soon
so we got the hell out of this solar system
Yeah, you know, by the end of this song
found a new moon for bitches to stroke our dicks on

Yo, yo Mos Prob, you still got some of that Flynapple Express?
Hellsa yeah, I wouldn't go anywhere without that shit
Safe, I think now's the perfect time for a space blunt
We don't have any oxygen, we're not gonna light that thing
Shut up, bitch, I've got a space lighter

Oh shit
Oh shit
Oh shit
Check it out, out the window
Out the space window
Aw, man
Check it, listen
Oh my god, check this out, listen

The end draws nearer, a new dawn, new era
I see things, I see clearer with my whole heart bumping inside
Approach our new home, wiping stardust from our eyes
Behind us, whole solar systems blow up in the skies

On our old planet, left behind nothing but lies
Now we see a newborn planet with so much love in its eyes
New plant species spring up on a daily basis
Fascinating alien races with the strangest faces

Welcome us, with its loving and safe embraces
Finding golden solace in just the strangest places
All these atoms and molecules, straight amazing
Gravity doesn't exist here, float for ages

They avoid war 'cause they know that hate's contagious
They stay, the air is clean, the water's pure
Here's great place to raise our daughters or
the other ones, our sons, new human race

Found a new dwelling place, we were cruising space
[??] never ever abuse or waste it
The cosmos is expansive, we haven't scraped its [subtle] surface
We don't deserve it, but it's there; we'll take it

We've beaten evil in the universe, found the spot
where love was invented and hate forgot
Our spacecraft shattered into shards and pieces
We're so blissfully happy we hardly need it

Aw shit, I forgot a flipping pack of grapes
Well we're just gonna have to go back and get some then, aren't we?

And so Sanity Valve used Teleport
It was super effective

Ding Dong [Single]

1. Ding Dong

Ding dong merrily on high
Ding dong merrily on high
<Isn't it ??>

The room is cold, the lighting's low
The mood is festive, up to my eyes in snow
Commercialism killed the message of Christ and so
I get nice socks, so I quite like it though

I don't get cold 'cause my windows is well glazed
I like Christmas 'cause Christmas has got twelve days
I don't like eggnog 'cause it's name is racist
People celebrate Christmas in famous places

Like Chigwell, it's, well, Christmas is great
I get presents then shoot haters and spit in their face
You don't get bank holidays from running the streets
I got carrots and mince pies all stuck in my teeth

It's a treat to be jolly and have something to eat
Screw mistletoe, discovered me fucking a tree
When Santa wants favours he comes running to me
but he's been naughty this year so he gets killed in the face

Ding dong merrily on high
Sanity Valve are good at rapping
Ding dong merrily on high
Yeah we get mistle-hoes when we spittin' the flows
Ding dong merrily on high
Fucking robbing your wallet and punching your uncle
Ding dong merrily on high
You'll cry 'cause this Yuletide you'll all die

Father Christmas is a cantankerous <mood-biting??> wanker
Bet he writes the bad cracker jokes while people fire <??> banter
Santa had a blue hat and jacket but he fo-found it boring
Turned to red and now the elves get to do his wrapping for him

That would be awesome, had Mos Prob not gotten there first
Roast my nuts on your chest, 'cause I'm so hot on the verse
Lots of desserts, a Christmas pudding laden with fruit
Santa stole a look and wouldn't even pay when I sued

Getting Yule logs' the only reason why I came here
Different year, same gear, TV and board games here
Get out my fucking chimney, fuck off with your fake beard
Liquid on Mrs Claus' face, that's not rain, dear

The elves should all revolt and simply sack their majesty
The only flaps he's touching are on an advent calendar
Yeah my dick is on your bitch's Christmas gift list
but your sister's getting fisted in the Grinch's kitchen

Ding dong merrily on high
Sanity Valve are good at rapping
Ding dong merrily on high
Yeah we get mistle-hoes when we spittin' the flows
Ding dong merrily on high
Fucking robbing your wallet and punching your uncle
Ding dong merrily on high
You'll cry 'cause this Yuletide you'll all die

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me
A PlayStation 3 and HIV
<Stage fright?>, you're wrapped up because it's cold and things
I've got five swollen rings

I spent one day talking 'bout Countdown with my mum
and the next shooting Brussel sprouts out of my bum
Santa is a bastard but Christmas is nice
We'll leave it this year after we switch off the lights

Ding dong merrily on fly
Ding dong merrily on fly
Ding dong merrily on fly
Ding dong merrily on fly
Let's get it

Ding dong merrily on high
Sanity Valve are good at rapping
Ding dong merrily on high
Yeah we get mistle-hoes when we spittin' the flows
Ding dong merrily on high
Fucking robbing your wallet and punching your uncle
Ding dong merrily on high
You'll cry 'cause this Yuletide you'll all die

Ding dong merrily on high
Two Gs dealing with business
Ding dong merrily on high
Still gangster over Christmas
Ding dong merrily on high
Adapting Christmas folk songs
Ding dong merrily on high
and then we get our swag on

Get Old Or Die Tryin'

1. Introduction To Our Album

This is the introduction to our album
Hello, we're Sanity Valve, and this is our album

2. Saufenderz

Sanity Valve are from Southend
you can all fuck off if you're not from Southend
Sanity Valve are from Southend
so you can all fuck off if you're not from Southend

The only way is Essex, I never heard it before
burglars getting burgled before they burst in the door
If you're injecting or infected, you'll love it
'cause everybody's got rabies and the busses are pricey and rubbish

'Cause in town there's a Starbucks, 'cross the road there's a Starbucks
inside that there's a Starbucks, on your face there's a Starbucks
There's no tourist board, you only need to ask us
We'd have escaped sooner but we always miss the last bus

Go to the beach, take Gish to the <??>
'cause you're <??> too scared to piss in the estuary
Sit on the bench next to the sea, drift in memory
penny picker Steve brings with him the stench of wee

The silly homeless bastard interrupted my flow
So I throw 1p coins at him from the other side of the road
It's just a guy that we know, a local icon that shows
how fuckin' lucky I am to live in Brighton and Hove now

I'll never forget my home town
though I'm all bedraggled and hairy and grown now
so proud, oops, wrong route to go down
when they have Salvo the paedo clown

'Cause it's the homeless, the hopeless, decrepit and broken
when you get in the arcade when you're collecting the tokens
Though it's an arse's armpit and it's full of hardship
it's my <garden chips?>, there'll always be a place in my heart for it

Sanity Valve are from Southend
you can all fuck off if you're not from Southend
Sanity Valve are from Southend
so you can all fuck off if you're not from Southend

We're not evil people living in sin, we just like pissing in bins
remnants of dirty chicken dribbling down from our chins
Big up Tasty Chicken, the only wrap we don't spit out
Our pastime is watching violent crimes attract a big crowd

This town is loud, who let the kids out?
Kids having kids who have kids who have kids now
Even grandmas running around with their tits out
which wouldn't be so weird except they're, like, twelve

Umm, sorry, that was wack
This ain't a seaside town to surf seas and earn peas
Here you only need to breathe in to catch herpes

Chavs and the goths are always hangin' by the clock
and Salvo, the paedo, with his dangling cock
I wanna drag him into Starbucks and punch him
then drag him into the other Starbucks and punch him

It's not like staying in hell, it's quite nice
except the people and the place and the smell
The nightlife is quite shite, you can fuck off and die twice
never had a nice time in a nightclub in my life

Chinnerys isn't G, get punched in Mayhem
pay ten quid to rave with underage girls and waste men
Though it's an arse's armpit and it's full of hardship
it was my 'ard shit, there's always a place in my heart for it

Sanity Valve are from Southend
you can all fuck off if you're not from Southend
Sanity Valve are from Southend
so you can all fuck off if you're not from Southend

Longest pleasure pier in the world (longest pleasure in the whole wide world)
The only team in the world with a one hundred percent record against Manchester United
Hair extensions and STDs (fake tans, HIV)
and stolen goods (KFC)
and buckets of chicken

Sanity Valve are from Southend (yeah, sing it Mos Prob)
you can all fuck off if you're not from Southend (alright)
Sanity Valve are from Southend (here come that drop, yo)
so you can all fuck off if you're not from Southend (yo) (<??>)

Sanity Valve are from Southend
you can all fuck off if you're not from Southend
Sanity Valve are from Southend
you can all fuck off if you're not from Southend

All together now:
If you're not from Southend, cunt

3. Breakfast Ting

Beans
Toast
Beans on toast
Yeah, blood
You get me

On some next breakfast ting, we're down with the crumpets
Eating beets and eggs off your mum's tits
Making bacon don't you watch this
Fam, here's bread, yo watch me toast it

It's toasted, make it on our plates with jam, then oh shit
dropped it blood, yo, butter side down
oh butters, I guess I'll make a brand new round

It's a brand new sound, a rap about breakfast
I'm gonna make a full English breakfast
Shut it, Mos Prob, 'cause I'm scramblin' eggs
distract me again, a man stabbin' your head

But we don't have any bread
Get muffins, fuckwit
Sanity Valve ain't muffins to fuckwit
But we ain't got nuffin
Get some buckwheat
I can make porridge, and we can eat all week

We're on a breakfast ting
Sanity Valve on the breakfast ting
We're on a breakfast ting
Sanity Valve on the breakfast ting
We're on a breakfast ting
Sanity Valve on the breakfast ting
We're on a breakfast ting
Now do the whole-grain skank

A dada dada dada dada
A dada dada dada dada
-da like this in the background

Hear this?

Mos fuckin' what? The cereal killer
That opening line was clearly a filler

Fuck staying in bed with your bitch
got my head in the fridge 'cause I'm getting it in
take an egg out that shit, stop right there in the mix
I'm shankin' it in the head with a whisk

I just fucking smashed them all over the side of the pan then
(Crack) all the eggs in the bowl
(Stir) all the eggs in the bowl
(Pour) the mixture in a pan
(Cook) the eggs 'til they're cooked

Scramble, poach them, boil them, fry them
I just checked them, washed them, dried them
Long, I don't have toast any more
Gishnchips dropped all the fucking toast on the floor

We're on a breakfast ting
Sanity Valve on the breakfast ting
We're on a breakfast ting
Sanity Valve on the breakfast ting
We're on a breakfast ting
Sanity Valve on the breakfast ting
We're on a breakfast ting
Now do the whole-grain skank

Gunshot noise, gunshot no- gunshot noise (gunshot noise, gunshot noise)
Uh, gunshot n- gunshot noise (gunshot noise)
Uuh, gunshot noise, gunshot noise (g-)

Make my pancakes very brown
Fucking breakfast (aaah)

I am am jamming on some scone shit
Punch the bacon and stab the milkman
Sausages, and it's already a long ting
Punch the bacon and stab the milkman
A- err- yoghurt
Punch the bacon and stab the milkman
Porridge

My breakfast sausage in your esophagus
making you get off on on this, coughin' this, choppin' it
into smaller pieces 'cause you're droppin' it
put more sausage on the shoppin' list

On this pancake shit got the lemon Cif and shit
Gishnchips in the kitchen, rippin' it, flippin' it
Brown it on both sides and I'm eatin' it
That was a nice breakfast (no)

Nom nom, nom nom
nom nom, nom nom
nom nom, nom nom
nom nom, nom nom

Nom nom, nom nom
nom nom, nom nom
nom nom, nom nom
nom nom, nom nom

We're on a breakfast ting
Sanity Valve on the breakfast ting
We're on a breakfast ting
Sanity Valve on the breakfast ting
We're on a breakfast ting
Sanity Valve on the breakfast ting
We're on a breakfast ting
Now do the whole-grain skank

A dada dada dada dada
A dada dada dada dada
-da like this in the background

Fuck's sake

4. I Love Drugs, Drugs Are Brilliant, Lets Do More Drugs

I'm high off drugs and Sanity Valve aren't good any more
I am also high off drugs and Sanity Valve aren't good any more, I see you have a valid point
Yes I do, I love drugs
Drugs are brilliant, let's do more drugs

5. Drugs Aren't Dope

You be tripping, homey
put down that AIDS needle, you young rapscallion
D- do not take drugs; the- they are a terrible thing for you to be doing

You don't have to be drunk to be bunk
You can get high off of life
All you need is good friends
High five! (clap)
Yeah! Hey kids, listen up to us, we have advice!
Here's a message for all of you

I'm MC Rapper, and I'm a rapper
I'm DJ wicked, 'cause I like the name
The teachers tell you things at school
but you don't think they're very cool

We are the cool team and we're here to say
that drugs are really really gay
and if you take drugs then you are square
now wave your hands in the air like you just don't care

Move your body from side to side
lost count of all the drugs I've tried
and if you take drugs you'll end up like me
sounding really awkward on a '90s beat

Injectable, edible, they're all terrible
if drugs are good then I lack testicles
and I have testicles so they're not
I'll kill you if I catch you smoking a pot

Clap your hands, one two three
four five six seven eight nine ten
eleven twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen
nineteen twenty twenty-one twenty-[incomprehensible]

Don't take drugs, no, drugs are bad
my sister's dead and now I'm sad
don't you smoke drugs 'cause drugs aren't dope
well, drugs are dope, but they're not rad

Don't take drugs, no, drugs are bad
my sister's dead and now I'm sad
don't you smoke drugs 'cause drugs aren't dope
well, drugs are dope, but they're not rad

Listen to your teacher and scrub your shoes
it's not groovy to do drugs abuse
don't be a fool, stay in school
just 'cause Snoop Dogg does it doesn't make it cool

If you do crack then you are wack
you will die and that's a fact
Oh, guess who's back with a brand new rap?
Not you, 'cause you're super dead

You can't be a cool dude like MC Rapper
and you can't be fly like DJ Wicked
show me a pipe and I'll tell you where to stick it
and then I'll punch you for telling me to punch my own ticket

And that is all I have to say
so kids, please be on your way
and I hope you've learnt a lot today
also, animal abuse is bad

Clap your hands, one two three
four five six seven eight nine ten
eleven twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen
nineteen twenty twenty-one twenty-[incomprehensible]

Don't take drugs, no, drugs are bad
my sister's dead and now I'm sad
don't you smoke drugs 'cause drugs aren't dope
well, drugs are dope, but they're not rad

Don't take drugs, no, drugs are bad
my sister's dead and now I'm sad
don't you smoke drugs 'cause drugs aren't dope
well, drugs are dope, but they're not rad

6. Bono Fucking Bono

It's a beautif-

Huh
Ahh
Yeah
Oh
Hey
Yeah
Ha
Aha, aha

Here are a list of things I like about Bono:

Bono can fuck right off and take Chris Martin with him
Bono's so gay he can't even fart without shittin'
He claimed to be feeding the weak and keeping peace in the East
but you mo' cheesy than feet and mo' greasy than grease

It's not racist, just phonetically awkward
You are racist, and you pathetic and boring (bellend)
I fuckin' hear him there, wanking a towel
Your glasses are worse than those worn by Sanity Valve

My clothes are rather good, your clothes ain't half as good
I bet you worked foreign kids in your own sweatshop, then fucked them afterward
Another reason I chuffing hate this bitch (huh)
It's your fuckin' fault that Coldplay exists

It's a beautif-

I hate U2, Bono I hate U2
I hate U2, Bono I hate U2
Oh, Bono I hate U2
I hate U2, aha, yeah

You don't deserve the two YouTube views I gave you to abuse you
Bono, I choose you to get punched by Mewtwo
Pin you down with my knees, scrape my poo on your face
Gouge your eyes out with forks, that's a beautiful day

These lyrics are now true, though considered a bit harsh
you've got as much swagger as Alan Titchmarsh
I'm ill when I spit bars, your life is a shit farce
I could live with or without you, ha, without the 'with' part

We're livin' on the edge, you're jizzin' in The Edge
why don't you save the whole world while I piss on your head
I hate U2 (me as well?) nah, that's fuckin' wrong
we explored our beef in another song, you utter mong

Now back to Bono, what an absolute cunt
His name is 'onob' backwards, what an absolute cunt
Fuck Bono, fuck Lidl, but mostly fuck Bono
He makes me really angry, oh, fuck bono

It's a beautif-

I hate U2, Bono I hate U2
I hate U2, Bono I hate U2
Oh, Bono I hate U2
I hate U2, aha, yeah

I got Bono in the car
I drive the car off a building
I push the building on the car
Just to make sure we killed 'im

Oh, Bono, what an absolute c-
Bono, what an absolute c-
Bono, what an absolute c-
Bono, what an absolute cunt-
Bono, what a

It's a beautif-

I hate U2, Bono I hate U2
I hate U2, Bono I hate U2
Oh, Bono I hate U2
I hate U2, aha, aha, yeah

I <??> Joshua Tree (Achtung Baby)
I hate U2, Bono I hate U2
Oh, Bono I hate U2
I hate U2, aha, aha, haha

I still haven't found what I'm looking for

7. Mildly Disgruntled

Here's a shortlist of things I want to massively injure
including bad sandwich fillers, small hats and the gingers
And no that's not racist, not enough for you to care
ginger people aren't a race they've just got stupid hair

And seagull, you selfish feathered avian dicks
Taking my chips, aiming at my face and takin' a shit
Like fat people double teaming both a Flake and a Twix
Twilight isn't good and so're people that say that it is

The ex you work with that you've got to avoid
And cucumbers, seriously what is the point?
The dickhead you follow out the lift though it's not your level
The generous guy that lets you eat a coffee Revel

The dick who stole my Dairylea and ate all the segments
Or your girlfriend when you punch her in the face when she's pregnant
umm...I think Mel Gibson's been slipping me lines again

When you push a pull door, mildly disgruntled
When you pull a push door, mildly disgruntled
When the revolving door, it goes round and round and round and round and round and r-
mildly disgruntled

Here's some things that make me want to leave children with no heads
when your scrotum gets sweaty, divides and cements to both legs
squeaky ice, polystyrene, banana strings, Cheesestrings,
ingrowing hair and also hairlines that are receding

Decaf coffee bothers me, it's like having a bit of cake
without the chocolate bit to taste or the buttery biscuit base
And you know what's also proper gay, when you have a good idea
and... fuck, what was I gonna say?

WHEN YOU'RE IN A NIGHTCLUB AND SOMEONE TAKES YOUR HAT OFF
OR WHEN SOME DICKHEAD GETS LIQUID ON YOUR LAPTOP
AND CREATIONISTS, DINOSAURS ARE A FACT, GOD
AND WHEN YOU ACCIDENTALLY SHOUT A VERSE 'CAUSE IT'S IN CAPS LOCK

Shit rappers, dusty DVDs that skip chapters
and them rap battle leagues that don't have paralympic divisions
Michael Bublé impersonators, Michael Bublé
and cynical wankers who complain about everything... too late

When you push a pull door, mildly disgruntled
When you pull a push door, mildly disgruntled
When the revolving door, it goes round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round mildly disgruntled

8. Charity Valve

Gee, wizzo, do I love Monopoly
especially the part where I get to be an iron, or a dog
and I get to buy Old Kent Fucking Road for sixty fucking quid
that's well good, that bit
Ooh, is that my phone? I'd better answer it!

Raising money for puppies and kittens
and turtles and badgers and puppies!
Raising money for puppies and kittens
and gophers and puffins and puppies!

Hello? Hello, is this Mister Nchips?
Yes, probably, you're interrupting Monopoly
I'm buying shit like a proper G
acquiring properties, dipping chocolate in a pot of tea
you just pulled up on Mayfair, bitch, fuck you want from me?

Well, I'm calling on behalf of Sad Puppies Relief
Take money from me? You'll get punched in the teeth!
But we need funding to keep feeding the fluffy and weak
puppies to eat muffins and beef for their lunch and their tea

I was in through no fault of my own
this office crone cried, you could almost smell the salty tears down the phone
I'm calling to let you know that all puppies are hurt
and this call may be monitored for, like, training purposes

What do you know about puppies? Well, they're fluffy and cute
and when I'm out of rival gangs, well they're something to shoot
Erm… what?
Nah, I'm just fucking with yous. I don't condone drugs, violence, or puppy abuse
Puppy abuse!
Puppy abuse!

Raising money for puppies and kittens
and turtles and badgers and puppies!
Raising money for puppies and kittens
and gophers and puffins and puppies!

But they need cuddles to use! But I don't get it
I think puggles are cute, but they don't need a direct debit
But, if you don't, well, then you might live to regret it
sure they don't need money when they're all particularly deaded

I'm definitely the best when I rhyme
puppies cry using their eyes twelve thousand percent of the time
You're the best friend- wait, where are you calling from, and why?
I'm calling from the RSGGG in Your Mumbai

A- The RSG- wait, how much do you need?
Well, seeing how there's so many dead puppies to feed
and all animals will be dead eventually
A tenner? No. A fiver? No! Umm… 70p?

Hang on, this… no, no this is unfeasible
it's unreasonable to think this will save any puppies at all
at least it's all… Mos Prob, what the fuck are you doing?
I'm calling from a really call centre?

No you're not, you're standing next to me
I thought we'd built up rapport, don't be like this-
Turn around
…I really want a flapjack
You know what? Fuck your flapjacks
Fuck your flapjacks, just fuck the fuck off, Mos Prob, okay?
Okay

Raising money for puppies and kittens
and turt- tles…

You don't believe that I'm calling from on the phone, do you?
No
How about if I put my phone, like, on the other ear?
No
Or, if I like, if I go, like, at a jaunty angle?
No
And pastry! Err… umm…
can I have 70p?
What, for a flapjack?
A flap- a whole flapjack
Yeah, alright then
Can you get it for me?

9. Word Fight

GISHNCHIPS used KILL!
It was super effective!

Mos Prob, some obviously obnoxious nob
with hangdog features and a penchant for sausage dogs
I mean maybe it's just me, but it seems to be
that that shit just ain't G

Like Cuthbert Lilly you're dead
Silly! Singing about the size of your willy
Give me twelve reasons why I shouldn't kill you now
'cause I'm illing and you smell, so I'll kill you now

You garish prat, trying to get lairy back
your low-slung jeans showing your hairy crack
that shit's scary, man, don't hold it down
pull it up, bouncing 'round town like a clown

You're just some jew that ate some poo
ain't got no crew, I hate you
with your lame shoes, shit hat, and chin strap
'Look, I can grow a beard!'
No-one cares, you thick twat

A wild Gisnchips appeared!
It looked horrible and smelt slightly of gone-off yoghurt
MOS PROB used WORDS!
Critical hit! And a commercial hit!
Fuck Gishnchips

Gishnchips, a little bit like Milhouse on some Simpsons shit
picking on the skinny bitches like kicking the shit out of a little kid
pissing on his chin and pinching his last remaining bit of Twix
abducting his mother then fucking her until her kidneys split

There's no question who's got the biggest dick
it's like comparing a Twiglet to an entire trans-Atlantic fishing ship
Stick both thumbs up your arse that you've been fiddling for the years
that you patiently waited to smell fish on a girl's clitoris

You never update the Twitter, Gish, you fucking queef
and your ironic love for Justin Bieber isn't ironic, you just love Justin Bieber
I must proceed, you lack both a cock and a nob
and enunciate like Forrest Gump mixed with Jonathan Ross

Yeah, you're right, I've lost a few battles, that is true
what do you expect, when my only handicap is you?
I'm pulling out my rifle and I'm targeting your spleen
you freestyle like a fucking eighties answering machine

You know what, Mos Prob?
Do you know what?
Do you?
Do you know what, Mos Prob?
Do you?
I'm not impressed

Rapping chit-chat, you spit small talk
I spit big issues, and fuck your mum 'til she can't walk and can't talk
throat full of congealed jizz
I'm on real shit, you're just really shit

Mos Prob's got less nob than Gish
he gets off on kids, lets them rub on his dick
paedo, we know what you did last week
you can't touch kids and hope we won't notice, G

You enter Don't Flop but just don't win
your lines are shit, like your Buddha is broken ting
wack flows, fat nose, my gat goes blap blap blap
and down this twat goes

I've got far more bars than a prison
and I'd know, 'cause I've done loads of killing
the only things that you kill are jokes
ruining punchlines with infinite chokes
give it up, yo

I'm telling it true
I'm rhyming it well
I'm sounding it nice
I'm repping it hard
I'm rapping it brilliantly
I'm talking it loudly
I'm saying things lots
Fuck you

My surname's Felman, you just felt men
you don't spit Big Issues, you just fucking sell them
You're totally fucking stupid G, fantastic rap career
good going, your only crew is me

My glasses are cooler than yours, your penis is smaller, of course
when you re-enact Brokeback Mountain I hope you fall off your horse
I mean it, you're shit, it doesn't even feel fair
looks like Steven Hawking got bored and got out of his wheelchair

Won't leave you with your head intact, I'd say do some better raps
but it's my fault, 'cause I wrote everything you ever spat
you're a pubically undeveloped twat
why are you always angry, and who the fuck are you yelling at?

You're only excellent at failing at getting gash
wetting your pants, wearing yellow hats, and consistently smelling bad
I remember you always wore faggot clothes, you lacked the jokes, had the wackest flows
only contribution: massive 'fro

You straightened that, it's flattened though
you no longer need an afro comb, you now just do it like a spastic bloke
so, umm
kill yourself

10. Hairy Pothead and the Half-Blud Crip

Yo
Fuckin' half-blood crip comin' at your face

I am the dark arts, bitch, you can't defend against them
I'm like muggles, here, try death prevention
Fuck Gryffindor, I'm in the house, I'm blazin' dorms
I wish herbology had taught me these ways before

I stalk the corridors of Hogwarts, spittin' rage
I like wavin' my wand in a witch's face
'cause witches ain't shit but spells and tricks
bitch I'm fly like a snitch, I'm on fire like a phoenix

My Parseltongue's in your mum, my Nimbus 2001
is ready when I need to run, I'm out of here, Wingardium
Leviosa, I'll let you know, err
when I get to the top of the astronomy tower

Fuck you, Dumbledore, I'm the half-blood crip
I'm here with a purpose, and that's to fuck shit up
<??> wanna shave your head, then Avada Kedavra
you're fucking dead

Hey, so, Professor Flitwick's all small
and good at dealing at drugs, so I bought some drugs off of him
and now I'm going to smoke them with my mouth
yep, hairy pothead

I stroke my beard while I'm blazin'
I like staying in, I'm half muggle, half amazing
Too slow for Gryffindor, I sit indoors
thinking thoughts, discussing the Quiddich scores

Whilst Harry and his friends were fighting Voldemort
I'm smoking through the night until I white and roll some more
I wonder how we're actually different from muggles
and why we present them with all of their sickness and struggles
I'm in a bubble and-

Ooh, magic Pringles that we got from the shop
they're like the normal ones, except that you can stop when they pop
Death Eaters go out committin' violent crimes
I have the nicest time, and my life is fine

Tried fighting evil, found it long
Hufflepuffin' magic bud, using owls as bongs
That portrait just spoke t- I think that portrait just spoke to me
I'm not kidding, I'm not kidding
Yeah, they all fucking speak to you, okay? They're magic
Okay, uhh, but, can you just go and sort the noise out outside, please?
No
Please? I'm seriously pranging
Okay

I hear wandfire, all killing and shit
I'm bored, I think I'll roll another spliff in a bit
Whoever it is gets fisted 'til their ribs are split
Fisting's inappropriate, I think you mean punching (oh, shit)

Wizard, please, I'm steppin' out dealing with business
And when you've gone, bring me back some skins, I'm out <of the Rizlas?>
It's that Potter kid, I'll leave broomstick marks on his face, did you know him?
Like, we had potions, I was hardly his mate

What was he like? Well, a touch on the arrogant side
Was banging on about how his entire family died, but that aside
Nah, I'll slap the guy, nah, I don't like him
I know he's Daniel Radcliffe, but there's no need to get violent

I was all up in his grill, Avada Kedavra
there was a tear in his eye as he whispered 'mother, father'
then Voldemort won, it was all shit forever
but we still solid, keeping that clique together

Yo pothead, where the fuck you at, bruv?
Everyone's died, but I don't mind, I found a really nice video of some puppies

11. Sorry John Williams

Yeah
You know everybody makes mistakes
Some people kill people (real talk)
some people steal shit
some people start Sanity Valve (word)
I'm one of those people (bless up)
and I'm really sorry (true them)
for all the pain we've caused (hold it down)

Sorry John Williams, for stealin' your shit
Sorry six million, for demeaning Schindler's List
Sorry listeners, for not really givin' a shit
Sorry lyricism for forcing lines that don't fit

Sorry John Williams, for stealin' your shit
Sorry six million, for demeaning Schindler's List
Sorry listeners, for not really givin' a shit
Yours sincerely, Mos Prob, Gishnchips, listen bitch

Many rappers lead a simple life, repenting for the horror
'course Snoop Dogg is smokin' lots of drawer, Necro is makin' horrid porn
and so our souls are purged with even scores before tomorrow's dawn
I suppose it's time to bring up everything we're sorry for

Our first gig was the worst shit, we never rehearsed it
and it featured the world's first hip hop verses with no words in
and the twelve people who sat through this, you deserved this
'cause without you we'd be stupid, we'd be puny and worthless

I apologise for the stupidness of Jewdacris
if he's something that you have missed, fuck yourself, he should never have been doing this
I'm sorry for plugging so bluntly in this way
Now, fuck off to sanityvalve.bandcamp.com, download our mixtapes

Sorry Biggy, didn't mean to shoot him in his face
and all the acts confused to share a lineup with us on a big stage
Sorry for upstaging acts at open mics playing boring shit
and constantly creating offensive and inane choruses

Sorry John Williams, for stealin' your shit
Sorry six million, for demeaning Schindler's List
Sorry listeners, for not really givin' a shit
Sorry lyricism for forcing lines that don't fit

Sorry John Williams, for stealin' your shit
Sorry six million, for demeaning Schindler's List
Sorry listeners, for not really givin' a shit
Yours sincerely, Mos Prob, Gishnchips

Support we received when you first bought our CD is important to me
and would have been all well and good if you guys had got it for free
but in all honesty, I don't even own a copy
hang on, I'm not sorry, you bought it willingly at gigs that went less than swimmingly

The remorse is killing me for the musicians whose ability
is wasted on the ridiculousness presented by Gish and me
All of the heads behind these <seas?> like Empdy and the <G Street Band>
Timbellend, Jazzy Jefferis, you shouldn't be here, literally

Feminism, we apologise to you too, not U2
We support your cause, and think what you do is too cute
Women are more important than just bringing all of our food through
They're also good at cleaning, and have fantastic boobs, too

We apologise to the girls who fucked us 'cause we said we're rappers
we are rappers, but you shouldn't fuck us 'cause we're rappers
I'm sorry for using boring and repetitive rhyme schemes
I just enjoy using boring and repetitive rhyme schemes

Okay, Gish, apologise to the nice people
Yeah, I'm really, really sorry
Really sorry for everything we've ever done
I feel really bad about it
'eally?
Nah, nah fuck that, I don't regret nuffin'
I ain't sorry for shit, you cunts
Look, if you got nothin' nice to say, then shut up and let me rap

We apologise to puffins, complaining with their beaks to the sky
we're not ones to discriminate; we may be equally fly
It's quite absurd to pick on one type of flightless bird-
But Mos Prob, they can fly! Are you fucking kidding me?

Sorry Simon Cowell, Doreen, people who died in our songs
and the Star Wars cast, killing you was violent and wrong
I'm sorry for being indiscreet about the size of my schlong
and ladies, Gish is sorry for the size of his schlong

Sorry for creating awkward situations every time we play shit
and bankrupting nightclubs every time we appear on stages
and for claiming that we're Black, seeming that we're really racist
I'll say it one time: I am clearly pasty

Now we've apologised and we will be proper fly
Droppin' rhymes, and rapping with a jot of pride
and Cheryl Cole, sorry, we were wrong about you
but we will never say sorry for Song About- Song About
Poo

12. 12ty12ty12

Living in the future
Tryna make some future money
So we can buy some future things
Go and do some future things

Rapping in the future
Putting 'future' in sentences makes them cool
Fucking your great-grandchildren
and teaching them bad language

It's the year 12ty12ty12, everything's easy
We still haven't made a fucking penny from a CD
Everything hovers, even castles and yoghurt
Making it incredibly hard to eat yoghurt (we not bothered)

We still eat yoghurt, the only remaining dairy product
Mos Prob is a robot with no cock with dope clothes made of photons
and Gishnchips is a digital midget made of widgets
and little bits and crystal shit and silicon

This is wrong, but business is business, and the future shit is kicking off
Flying cars and flying bitches on my aluminium cock
Got a future toaster in the kitchen, dog, that bakes entire pies
That's something to try and form an image of

We're so far advanced from our base stage as primates
The supreme ruler of the world is Graham from Blind Date
and Cilla's still alive, she just broadcasts in mind waves
Can't stop thinking 'bout my toasted pies mate (fill my plate)

Technology and politics developing at rates
We beat the Illuminati with a well-worded letter of complaint
It read: "Dear New World Order, Stop it. Love, Sanity Valve"
Then we set up a way-more-sinister network in its place

Oh, that letter was the angriest, at least Steve Jobs
keeps cranking out high-standard Macs with his iPancreas
and you'd better be thanking us, Steve, or we're intending to shoot you
The present passed the day Sanity Valve invented the future

Living in the future...

You can definitely tell that we rap very well
when in 2012 we managed to end the end of the world
Turns out the future's not orange; the gingers got wiped out
You can think on the oven and mind-switch the lights out

We came from the future, yes we came to shoot you
The human anus has been renamed 'The YouTube'
Complex mind games plays classics, like Who's Who
and global warming never happened. Who knew?

And all of the animals on the brink of destruction
anthropomorphised, then started drinking and fucking (especially pandas)
before their dicks started shrinking to nothing
they expanded loads, bringing the sinister stuff with

There were fucking pandas everywhere, bare pandas
Panda puppies popping up with some limitless expansion
Too many pandas! Just way too many pandas!
But with twelve billion humans, there isn't space for any pandas

Developing their anger, all-up pandamonium
Human babies got eaten if they were left alone with 'em
They grew the thumbs, they learnt to make explosions with
Started a panda corps with a pandictator to reign over it

The bloodshed was very lots; millions were dead and shot
They'd no sooner see your tiny head than fucking tear it off
Hurry the fuck up, Gish, we've got to run to stay alive now
I'm busy right now, there's a panda tearing my eyes out

I miss my toasted pies now, shit, I got dismembered
and pandas fucking killed all the friends that I remembered
A pandemic pandapocalypse, stamping out our achievements
Millions drowned in the seas, mahoosive bereavement

Human hearts ripped out, still ruby and beating
Pandas standing 'round, cackling, amused with the bleeding
Hell opened its bloody jaws, you forsook me, why, God?
Then I woke up and realised I'd lost my fucking iPod

Living in the future...

In the future